There is clarity that comes from sickness. It’s when we feel the wrath of ill that we truly appreciate the blessing of being healthy… physically, emotionally and spiritually. The spike of a high fever can cause you to pray to the powers that be and ask for help in recovery, making promises and plans to be better, do better and change unhealthy ways. It is also a time of understanding exactly where you are in the realm of others in the world. We are all connected to others in some way but as we age we become more and more removed from relationships for various reasons.
Many people come on our path along the way and at that time and place we both use each other for what we need. It is the ebb and flow of relationships. For me in the past decade alone I have seen a decimation of family, friends, business associates and acquaintances. I have very few in my corner and as much as I pretend I’m fine I know I’m not. It certainly has not been an easy process and the fallout has been extensive. Last Thanksgiving I lost an elderly neighbor who became a good and trusted friend to me and my family over the 23 years we lived across from each other. Her husband passed a year before her and as we mourned him we stepped up our assistance with basic needs like taking garbage/recycling out and making stops at the market or putting aside a Tupperware of food for a meal. She had been sick for some time on constant oxygen even when her husband was alive, but she needed additional help. Their children and families live further/far away so they couldn’t be readily available. We saw they had a need and stepped in. Taking my friend to the doctor/hair appointments or taking care of a shopping list was a new part time job for me. Sometimes I was off put by it, but now looking back I should have never been, as I clearly see when someone needs you and they are alone you should just help.
Last January I was sick for a month with a virus that was awful. I was scared as I have never been that ill for that long. During this time there was some clarity and a clear declaration that I am powerless for the most part and I need to accept help if provided, which I also acknowledge that people are rather selfish and busy, so at the same time you cannot depend on others. It was especially apparent when I needed a cup of tea or broth and neither of my dogs were able to help out. My husband would be at work and I had to muster up the energy to walk downstairs to get some nourishment. Sounds simple, but the eventual bronchial pneumonia combined with whatever strain of virus was running through me made me incapacitated. I didn’t have anyone to help, and it got me thinking clearly, we are basically at the mercy of the good graces of others.
It is true and for the most part people shy away from being selfless. I was always so perplexed as to why I would get praised for being so good to my friend. Staff at a doctors office would say I was too kind or I would pick up a prescription from the store and was told how very nice it was of me. I didn’t think much of it at the time but once I was in a depleted situation I understood the norm was different from my relationship with my friend. I never thought of it as being selfless, just what decent people do for each other. During this bout of sickness, I would have never asked, nor would I expect my children to come home for a weekend from school to help out. It would be selfish of me to expect that, thus putting them in harms way potentially getting sick. Right?
My children are actively in the process of college or recently graduated and they are venturing off in different directions. I'm having most difficulty with their ability to be comfortably selfish. Is it the epidemic of their generation? Exposed to so much screen time, growing up with computers and phones, they are able to shift their focus extremely easily away from familial needs or the big picture to something that will provide immediate gratification and be easier for them. It is uncommon for them, without being told, to assist in the mundane maintenance of the homes, easily leaving multiple mounds of mess for someone other than themselves to clean. At a certain age I believe all understand the needs of being an adult. They seem to piecemeal their adult responsibilities, leaving the less desirable to myself or my husband. As I see them living their best lives and we are left with the burdens of the homes, which at some point they will inherit, it infuriates me to no end and I wonder when they will become better helpers. I see their generous spirits with others extraneous from their immediate family. When do they pivot with us? How do we move forward, without becoming removed? Helping one another isn’t a burden, but an opportunity to appreciate and give back. It is how everyone loves people.
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